Modern Man, Monster Man
Larry Correia, that man among men, the Mountain Who Writes, goes to town to trample an insolent papsmear writing in the New York Times who has the effrontery to tell men what a modern man’s manliness consists of. Mr Correia is both heartfelt and hilariously funny, and the terrible tread of his footfalls of mockery indeed leave bruises. He introduces the topic with these words:
http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/
More like modern pajama boy man-child. This New York Times article is so remarkably stupid that it has already been mocked across the entire internet. However, as a manly man of manliness, it is my responsibility to address this piece of fuckwittery. The same way that as a professional working writer I am compelled to respond to stupid writing advice that might otherwise screw up aspiring authors, I have to Fisk this.
See, I have two sons. As a father, it is my duty to point out really stupid shit, so they can avoid becoming goony hipster douche balloons. So boys, this Fisk was written for you.
One of the funnier comments in the comment was a Roman rebuttal from an ancient man, which I here reprint in full. You can find one comment above here: http://monsterhunternation.com/2015/10/02/fisking-the-new-york-times-modern-man/#comment-71206.
I place it against the original modern column by the Pajama Boy for sake of contrast between the postmodern and the ancient.
This is the Pajama Boy’s Original opening:
Being a modern man today is no different than it was a century ago. It’s all about adhering to principle. Sure, fashion, technology and architecture change over time, as do standards of etiquette, not to mention ways of carrying oneself in the public sphere. But the modern man will take the bits from the past that strike him as relevant and blend them with the stuff of today.
In other words, Pajama Boy establishes from the get-go that there is no coherent pattern to his rules of etiquette here suggested. They are merely arbitrary a blend of whatever might strike his fancy. How does he compare with the ancient man?
 | vs |  |
| PAJAMA BOY | ROMAN PATRICIAN | |
| 1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small. | I. A man wealthy enough to ensure that shoes would fit someone who isn’t present is wealthy enough to have a slave do it for him. | |
| 2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is. | II A man is schooled in Rhetoric, so that he may convey the impression he wishes. | |
| 3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus. | III At the circus it will be harder to hear the words from the cheap seats anyway. | |
| 4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch. | IV de gustibus non est disputandum | |
| 5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines. | V A man wealthy enough to ride a horse through Rome has the entourage to take care of it while he conducts his business. | |
| 6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night. | VI A man punishes those who do not do their work, he doesn’t do their work for them. | |
| 7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door. | VII What use does a Roman have for barbarian tastes and drinks when there is garum and wine? | |
| 8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton. | VIII Castratus is the correct Latin for what this blennus terms modern man. | |
| 9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day. | IX A daughter is called by the name of her father’s clan. | |
| 10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away. | X Does anyone want to read the whole essay on Roman household and labor practices? Suffice to say that this also does not apply to a Roman man of any great means. | |
| 11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will. | XI There are certain customs in the forum. | |
| 12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out. | XII There are also bath house customs. We all know that Rome colonized Ireland because they wanted a good source for bath oils. | |
| 13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week. | XIII A passion for a specific actress does not make a hero. Yes, that puppy is counted as an example of Latin literature. | |
| 14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone. | XIV So a literate wealthy Roman man writes down ephemeral trivia because he is too much of an imbecile to remember for himself, and too poor to have a slave go do it? | |
| 15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords. | XV A Roman man lives in a house fitting his station, in accordance with the ways of the ancestors. | |
| 16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away. | XVI Friends come through the gate; enemies come over the wall. A man sees that his enemies are killed. Romulus executed his own blood and milk brother Remus for as much. | |
| 17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped? | XVII Work for a woman or a slave. | |
| 18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn. | XVIII A shoehorn does not help one tie sandals on. | |
| 19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry. | XIX A man’s wife is beneath his hand. The law and custom are very well established. | |
| 20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield. | XX Men fit for positions of leadership are not receptive. | |
| 21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere. | XXI A paterfamilias can legally strangle his children. | |
| 22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper. | XXII If a man is wealthy enough to have someone write down such things, he is wealthy enough to have a slave carry it around and read it for him. | |
| 23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time). | XXIII A man being wealthy enough to own copies of heroic legends has nothing to do with the man having heroic qualities. | |
| 24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it. | XXIV A man stays awake for the watch he is set. | |
| 25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will. | XXV A sword is not a killer, it is a tool in a killer’s hands. | |
| 26. The modern man cries. He cries often. | XXVI The Stoics essentially say that if you restrain yourself from tears, you can learn not to be sad. Do not do what Regulus did not do. | |
| 27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic. | XXVII Barbarian dances are not appropriate for a Roman man to perform. |
As an exercise in completeness, I add my own comments below about what a Christian gentleman holds to be his worth.
I cannot be as funny as the Roman above, because Christianity is civilization, and it is shockingly different both from the harsh cruelty of the pre-Christian world and the softer cruelty and corruption of the post-Christian world. We are healthy and civilized folk standing between two periods of filth and barbarism.
Please note that the Pajama Boy lists two things as the topic of discussion, namely, standards of etiquette, and ways of carrying oneself on public and then proceeds to give advice on matters that are neither etiquette nor public, such as buying shoes for your wife.
| vs |  |
| PAJAMA BOY. | CHRISTIAN GENTLEMAN. | |
| 1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small. | 1. The man is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church. Just as He washed the feet of His disciples, it does a gentleman good to do little acts of humility and self abasement for his helpmeet. Buying shoes secretly for her will satisfy this, as will wearing a hair shirt. | |
| 2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is. | 2. Pride is a sin, as his vainglory, as is gossip, as is concern for the opinion of the world.Go to confession, and tell the priest your fears, and then pray. | |
| 3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus. | 3. A gentleman is considerate, and gluttony is a sin. | |
| 4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch. | 4. A gentleman is thrifty, but an overly nice sense of what is and is not fit to eat is gluttony. A gentleman would neither notice nor remark on how other men ate. | |
| 5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines. | 5. Patience is a virtue, as is prudence, as is charity. No sane man is so obsessed with trivia as to have formed an opinion of the proper amount of time other men should spend finding a parking space. He might be saying a rosary during those ten minutes. | |
| 6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night. | 6. No, but the gentleman can remind his children to see to their chores once the family is done with evening prayers. If you would be perfect, sell your electronic toys and give all the money to the poor. | |
| 7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door. | 7. An overly nice sense of what is and is not fit to eat is gluttony. A gentleman would neither notice nor remark on how other men ate. | |
| 8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton. | 8. Castratus is the correct Latin for what this μωρός terms modern man. (We Romans still adhere to some of what the pagan Romans taught.) | |
| 9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day. | 9. The daughter is a gift from God, not an accessory to your own self-actualization, or self-completion, Mr. Narcissus. Protect her and instruct her. Keep her away from Pajama Boys, feminists, and others who seek to destroy her soul. From one’s own child one might learn the simplicity Christ demands of us ere we enter heaven. | |
| 10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away. | 10. God fashioned woman as a help meet for him. Again, little acts of humility are good for the character. But, then again, what chore fit for a man are you neglecting when you do women’s work? How many paynims could have you killed while you were in the kitchen rather than the battlefield? | |
| 11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will. | 11. A Christian gentleman is not concerned with the idle fashions of the world, nor with tools for spreading gossip. However, neither does he sit in judgment on those still ensnared by the world and its false glamour. | |
| 12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out. | 12. Wh-what? If you are spending a moment thinking about soap size rather than weeping over your sins or killing a paynim, you should go to confession. | |
| 13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week. | 13. What has Christ to do with Ingeld?
| |
| 14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone. | 14. Wh-what? If you are spending a moment thinking about the proper method of noting groceries rather than weeping over your sins or killing a paynim, you should go to confession. | |
| 15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords. | 15. Vanity is a sin. Your house on earth is trash; build yourself a palace in heaven. Wrath is a deadly sin. If you lack the self-control not to keep your tread even and serene either in time of weal or woe, repent and mend your ways! Go on a pilgrimage, visit the sick, visit the prisoner in gaol, wear the hair shirt, or do some other act of notorious penance, such as washing dishes or buying your wife’s shoes. | |
| 16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away. | 16. The Chinese invented gunpowder but the Christians invented gunsmiths. Shoot the intruder. If any wrath entered your heart during the event, or pride, go to confession. If you shoot him in an even-tempered fashion, however, confession is not needed. | |
| 17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped? | 17. The question is whether the modern man has balls of another sort. Gluttony is a sin, and obsessive attention to niceties of foodstuffs is gluttony. | |
| 18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn. | 18. The Christian gentleman has thought seriously about the horn of Gabriel, for he knows not when it blows. | |
| 19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry. | 19. Romance is a Christian invention as well, and Saint Valentine is a saint. You pale modern shadows know nothing of real love, real romance. Instead of flowers, if you thought a wife was precious, you would abolish the divorce laws which make her insecure and temporary, abolish contraception which makes her a sterile object removed from intimacy, and abolish aborticide, which makes her your helpless victim and partner in the crime of Medea. | |
| 20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield. | 20. I am not sure what this means, and I think I would go as mad as an HP Lovecraft character if I figured it out. I assume this has something to do with the melon spoon mentioned above. A Christian gentleman does not burden his wife with his woes, and he weeps for his sins. The woman is not your shield from the wounds of life: Christ is. | |
| 21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere. | 21. Actus Reus Non Facit Reum Nisi Mens Sit Rea. And what is this odd emphasis on daughters? Do modern men have no sons? No — answer me not. That answer I know. | |
| 22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper. | 22. Actually, modesty is becoming to male and female both, because it shows a respect for the image of God that is the human form. As for newspapers, as the most famous Christian apologist of the modern day put it: “They have an engine called the Press whereby the people are deceived” A Christian gentleman avoids gossips, lies, untruths, and all the pomp and glamour of this false and doomed world. | |
| 23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time). | 23. What has Christ to do with Ingeld? | |
| 24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it. | 24. Prudence is a virtue, and conspicuous consumption, including the pretense of jovial indifference at the failure of machines to run because you did not tend them, is, once again, a type of gluttony. | |
| 25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will. | 25. A monk who takes a vow of nonviolence is, of course, assured of the palm of martyrdom if slain for his faith. A knight, on the other hand, is hanged as a coward if he pitched his sword away in the face of the foe. If modern man is both as intellectually and physically unarmed as this gormless fool, we Christians should be able to drive them into the sea with no great effort. Our Nuns are tougher than this. | |
| 26. The modern man cries. He cries often. | 26. A Christian gentleman cries for his sins, of course, and weeps for woe and funerals and for joy at wedding feasts. Otherwise, he maintains his virtue and does not burden his neighbors with his sorrows. But modern men cries often because he realizes his is limper and weaker than our Nuns. | |
| 27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic. | 27. The Christians invented the waltz, which is the paramount and epitome in romance. Barbarian dances are not appropriate for a Roman man to perform. And, speaking of clinics, if you go there, and help the sick without telling anyone, so know one knows how charitable you are, your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you openly. You will dance with the Angels and Archangels, Dominations and Powers, Cherubim and Seraphim in the star-strewn cycles and pavannes of heaven, at the bridal feast of the Christ and His Church, and learn why all the Sons of Light cried out for joy. |
Addendum: Bill Whittle, who actually is a modern man, and not a pajama-wearing cocoa-sipping weepy boy, holds forth on this article and related matters: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=jwLjFm6GMBM
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
