Mean Spacedragon by Nobert Ebersol
Instead of waiting for Episode Nine to be written produced by Disney, my friend Nobert Ebersol, no relation to me, wrote the following masterpiece.
And by “wrote” I mean he went to a website called PLOT GENERATOR and entered the values for the name, romantic lead, and best friend of the heroine, as well as locations and villain and props. The computer did the rest.
See whether or not, to your satisfaction, this stacks up against the other modern Disney versions of STAR WARS.
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Mean Spacedragon
A Screenplay by Norbert Ebersol
INT. SAND PLANET – AFTERNOON
Perfect knight MS RAY RAY is arguing with idiot stormtrooper IDIOT STEPPIN FETCHIT. RAY tries to hug STEPPIN but he shakes her off.
Please Steppin, don’t leave me.
I’m sorry Ray, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
I am such a person!
I’m sorry, Ray. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.
RAY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, lovable smuggler CAPTAIN HAN SOLO barges in looking flustered.
Goodness, Han! Is everything okay?
I’m afraid not.
What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…
It’s … a Spacedragon … I saw an evil Spacedragon thump a bunch of children!
Defenseless children?
Yes, defenseless children!
Bloomin’ heck, Han! We’ve got to do something.
I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.
You can start by telling me where this happened.
I was…
Focus Han, focus! Where did it happen?
Starkiller Base! That’s right – Starkiller Base!
EXT. A ROAD – CONTINUOUS
RAY rushes along the street, followed by HAN. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. STARKILLER BASE – SHORTLY AFTER
DARTH EMO a Mean Spacedragon terrorises two children.
RAY, closely followed by HAN, rushes towards DARTH, but suddenly stops in her tracks.
What is is? What’s the matter?
That’s not just any old Spacedragon, that’s Darth Emo!
Who’s Darth Emo?
Who’s Darth Emo? Who’s Darth Emo? Only the most Mean Spacedragon in the universe!
Blinkin’ knickers, Ray! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most Mean Spacedragon in the universe!
You can say that again.
Blinkin’ knickers, Ray! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most Mean Spacedragon in the universe!
I’m going to need lightsaber, lots of lightsaber.
Ray Ray, we meet again.
You’ve met?
Yes. It was a long, long time ago…
EXT. A PARK – BACK IN TIME
A young RAY is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.
She looks up and sees DARTH. She takes off her headphones.
Would you like some chocolate?
I don’t know, you look kind of Mean.
Me? No. I’m not Mean. I’m the least Mean Spacedragon in the world.
Wait, you’re a Spacedragon?
INT. STARKILLER BASE – PRESENT DAY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
(To RAY) You ran away?
(To HAN) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!
She turns back and shouts.
I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with lightsaber.
I’m not scared of you.
You should be.
INT. VOLCANO PLANET – LATER THAT DAY
RAY and HAN walk around searching for something.
I feel sure I left my lightsaber somewhere around here.
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly lightsaber.
You know nothing Han Solo.
We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.
Looking for something?
Crikey, Ray, he’s got your lightsaber.
Tell me something I don’t already know!
The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
I know that already!
I’m afraid of sausages.
(appalled) Dude!
Prepare to die, you Mean Potato!
No please! All I did was thump a bunch of children!
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Ray Ray defender of innocent children.
Don’t hurt me! Please!
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these lightsaber on you right away!
Because Ray, I am your father.
No you’re not!
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Did he just faint?
I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly lightsaber.
Be careful, Ray. It could be a trick.
No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Darth Emo is dead!
What?
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
So your lightsaber did save the day, after all.
Is it true? Did you kill the Mean Spacedragon?
Steppin how long have you been…?
Long enough.
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Darth Emo.
Then the children are safe?
It does seem that way!
You are their hero.
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Darth Emo will never thump children ever again, is enough for me.
You are humble as well as brave!
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
I couldn’t possibly.
Well, if you insist.
Thank you.
RAY turns to STEPPIN.
Does this mean you want me back?
Oh, Ray, of course I want you back!
Well you can’t have me.
WHAT?
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Spacedragon to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.
But…
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Han.
But…
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
Ray?
I’m sorry Steppin, but I think you should skidaddle.
HAN turns to RAY.
Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?
Of course you are!
Suddenly HAN stops.
When I said I’m afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the Spacedragon don’t you?
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
