Prosecutors Find Mail-In Jury Votes At 3AM, Rittenhouse Now Guilty
KENOSHA, WI—In a stunning reversal, Kyle Rittenhouse awoke this morning to discover that he had been found guilty after all.
Prosecutors explained that during the night, they had found dozens of mail-in jury votes declaring the defendant guilty on all counts. Apparently, boxes of these mail-in votes arrived in a truck at the courthouse around 3:00 am.
Attorneys for Mr. Rittenhouse were dumbfounded as to how such a thing could have happened, raising questions as to the validity of mail-in jury voting. They stated: “We’ve never heard of this. This isn’t part of the legal system. Where did these votes even come from?”
“How DARE you question the sanctity of our criminal justice system!” cried the prosecuting attorneys. “There is no justice until EVERY vote is counted!”
Prosecutors then explained that it was a new COVID measure they had just instituted. “But given how well it’s worked out,” they said, “we’re planning on making it permanent.”
My comment: Note to the humor impaired. If, due to the madness of modernity, you find yourself unable to distinguish satire from reality, fact checkers working for the Mouth of Sauron will install the correct opinion into your wetware via nerve-shunt. Report to the depersonalization booth for further instructions.
All kidding aside, now that the results of inaction are clear, will the various state lawmakers with responsibility to do so, finally, at long last, decertify their electors for the fraudulent federal election? Article II of the Constitution, properly construed, defines no end date after which a fraudulent election becomes legitimate.
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
November 21, 2021 @ 6:38 pm
