The Solomon Kane Method

Many readers have written in asking me for my opinion about controversial topics of the day, such as my stance on the war, on the sexual revolution, on questions of alternate religions and lifestyles, same-sex marriages, race relations, the death penalty, homeschooling.
Such complex questions are full of many deep and wide ranging issues that a philosopher should answer with careful rational inquiry: but this is the Internet, and we are the generation whose attention span has been attention-deficit-disordered by exposure to MTV, and therefore, as a service to my readers, I can sum up my entire philosophy of life in a sentence:
If Solomon Kane, Puritan adventurer is against it, I’m against it too.


We call this THE SOLOMON KANE standard. This useful yardstick can be applied to practically any complex question of politics or morality.
Let us see this time-saving yardstick in action.
QUESTION: After the Madrid train bombings  the elections in Spain were influenced toward a socialist government that sought accommodation with the terrorists rather than joining the Coalition of the Willing to support a unified front. Was Spain wrong to put her national interest ahead of this joint effort, considering the horrific coast she paid in innocent lives?  
“There sat Sir Richard Grenville once; in smoke and flame he passed.
“And we were one to fifty-three, but we gave them blast for blast.
“From crimson dawn to crimson dawn, we held the Dons at bay.
“The dead lay littered on our decks, our masts were shot away.
“We beat them back with broken blades, till crimson ran the tide;
“Death thundered in the cannon smoke when Richard Grenville died.
“We should have blown her hull apart and sunk beneath the Main.”
The people saw upon his wrist the scars of the racks of Spain.
QUESTION: Er, I am not sure how that exactly answers my question, but let’s move on. Would you say that sexual revolution was, on the whole, beneficial for the cause of women’s rights, or detrimental? As a Puritan, what is your stance on out-of-wedlock relations?

“Where is Bess?” said Solomon Kane. “Woe that I caused her tears.”
“In the quiet churchyard by the sea she has slept these seven years.”
The sea-wind moaned at the window-pane, and Solomon bowed his head.
“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and the fairest fade,” he said.

QUESTION: Well, what about same-sex marriages? If a couple find themselves attracted to each other, because of a genetic predisposition, by what right does the state forbid them to organize their private lives as they see fit? Isn’t this a matter of simple civil rights and social justice?
His eyes were mystical deep pools that drowned unearthly things,
And Solomon lifted up his head and spoke of his wanderings.
“Mine eyes have looked on sorcery in dark and naked lands,
“Horror born of the jungle gloom and death on the pathless sands.”
QUESTION: Ummm. Okayyyy. What about race relations? Do you think the recent Supreme Court decision upholding affirmative action in admissions in institutions of higher learning….

“And I have known a deathless queen in a city old as Death,
“Where towering pyramids of skulls her glory witnesseth.
“Her kiss was like an adder’s fang, with the sweetness Lilith had,
“And her red-eyed vassals howled for blood in that City of the Mad.”

QUESTION: What is your stance on the death penalty? Many people feel that retribution is not a proper function of the criminal justice system, or that the possibilities of mistake, of condemning an innocent man to death, would be too high?
“And I have slain a vampire shape that drank a black king white,
“And I have roamed through grisly hills where dead men walked at night.
“And I have seen heads fall like fruit in a slaver’s barracoon,
“And I have seen winged demons fly all naked in the moon.”

QUESTION: Homeschooling? Does it interfere with socialization? Clearly the parents have some rights to have an impact on their children’s upbringing, but if we do not teach all children in America about recycling and Global Warming and Kwanzaa, they may end up believing in Creationism, and Western society will fall. So what is your take on Homeschooling?
“My feet are weary of wandering and age comes on apace;
“I fain would dwell in Devon now, forever in my place.”

QUESTION: I am not sure how that really answers the question.
The howling of the ocean pack came whistling down the gale,
And Solomon Kane threw up his head like a hound that sniffs the trail.
QUESTION: Mr. Kane? Excuse me, Mr, Kane…?
A-down the wind like a running pack the hounds of the ocean bayed,
And Solomon Kane rose up again and girt his Spanish blade.
QUESTION: Look, before you go off to fight prehistoric serpent-men in stinking jungles in the South Seas, or whatever the hell it is you do for a living, John Wright, loudmouthed author, told us we could use you as a sort of yardstick to judge what stance he would take on pressing issues of the day. Now then… What’s your take on the Kenneth Starr scandal? Do you think he was engaged in sexual McCarthyism?
In his strange cold eyes a vagrant gleam grew wayward and blind and bright,
And Solomon put the people by and went into the night.

QUESTION: Hey, Hold it! Don’t turn your back on me with that wayward blind gleam in your eye! You still have not answered ….
A wild moon rode the wild white clouds, the waves in white crests flowed,
When Solomon Kane went forth again and no man knew his road.
QUESTION: Hey! Don’t go forth again where no man knows your road! Answer me! These are important questions, and you can’t just wander off to go behead Maori cannibals or mud-wrestle the Abomination from Primordial Valusia or something. Hey! Come back!
They glimpsed him etched against the moon, where clouds on hilltop thinned;
They heard an eery echoed call that whistled down the wind.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! The Solomon Kane method for answering all complex questions of law, romance, philosophy and politics. 

If the fanatical Puritan adventurer is against it, I’m against it: pirates, Spanish Dons, papal corruption, Christmas trees, bear-baiting, swearwords, gambling, toad-eating, playing cards, taking off your hat to the King, ape-men, magicians from Atlantis, vampire-women, public dancing, the primordial bat-god Tsathoggua, and did I mention Spanish Dons? Abhor ’em all. Should be outlawed. Where is my good blade of Toledo steel?