For those of you who are afraid of Christians, there is nothing to fear!

For those of you are afraid of Christianity erecting a theocracy, well, all I can say is, if that is our plan, we are about the most incompetent group of conspirators in history. The various Christian factions are arguing about things like leavened versus unleavened bread, and we have yet to take control of the international money supply, the world atomic energy industry, the parliaments of the free nations, the educational bureaucracy in America and Europe, the mass media, Hollywood, or even the National Endowment for the Arts. Far from usurping these institutions, we Christians don’t even seem to be able to influence them. No, there is no legion of robot-monk-assassins waiting in their launching cradles in the buried papal armored fortress on Ape Island in the South Seas. That was a joke. The fortress is on Bear Island, in the Arctic Circle.

If the Christians had the power that popular fears ascribe to them, we would have let Dan Brown escape from the Opus Dei hypnosis-squads of Black Lensman? As it is, that cursed author has already revealed our darkest secret: Jesus Christ was actually a clone of the prophet Elijah, preserved by a secret Hindu sect of Essenes. Against the direct orders of her Bene Gesserit superiors and the Seldon Plan, the Virgin Mary implanted the cloned ovum and gave birth to Kumquat Hagandaaz, the galaxy’s super-being. After defeating the evil and overweight Baron Von Herod the Great with his gom jabby, Jesus Christ was mugged by time travelers from the year 2443; and (while He is dragged back to that year to restore the video tapes accidentally erased by his Second Coming) he was replaced by science fiction author Michael Moorcock, who died on the cross in His stead. One of history’s ironies.


If Dan Brown ever revealed that secret, our church would be finished, laughed out of existence! Good thing not a single atheist or liberal regards us as ridiculous now. Whew. Dodged that bullet.

As it is, the only thing Brown managed to spill was our closely-guarded secret that Mary Magdalene was a Space Alien from the star Alpha Drarconis, and was married to robot duplicate of Jesus our savior kept in the Fortress of Solitude (these robots were useful in preserving His secret identity during his years as a vampire hunter on the Lost Plateau of Jurassica), andgave birth to Charles Martel, king of the Merovingia. So the royal families of France are all space lizards. You knew that. And the Knights Templar were involved. They always are.

Ho, ho, just kidding. Kidding! If the Christians had the power that popular fears ascribe to them, I assure you that they would have used this mysterious power to make sure that THE GOLDEN COMPASS totally bombed at the box office, or to topple the Soviet Union, or bring hope and healing to the drunkard, the wretched, the hungry, the lost.

If Christians had this power, there would be miracles. Hardcore atheists would see visions of the Blessed Virgin, and convert. But that cannot happen. So what are you afraid of?