Not Earth Day: PLUTO DAY!

While the rest of you Earthlings are celebrating Earth Day (a holiday beloved of Enviro-Marxist Gaeanist Neo-pagan Neo-Puritan Death Cultists whose scientific literacy is somewhere south of the Flat Earth Society) we here at the headquarters of the more cosmologically minded and cosmopolitan Space Princess Movement have decided to break the bonds of geocentric parochialism (our motto is ‘Think Globally, Act Galactically’) and celebrate a day devoted to another planet, one more worthy of our attention and affection.

Yes, I hereby decree today to be PLUTO DAY!

Let us look in the Internets (Thanks, Al Gore!) otherwise known as the Web of Lies, to see what can be gleaned about this fascinating and elusive ex-planet, or, pardon me, former planet. (OO-rah!)

Pluto was discovered in 1930 by Clyde W. Tombaugh in Arizona at the Lowell Observatory. It is composed primarily of rock and ice and is approximately a fifth the mass of the Earth’s Moon and a third its volume. It has been recently classified as a “dwarf planet“, largely due to the resent discovery of a larger dwarf planet named Eris, by Dr. Michael Brown of the California Institute of Technology.

Pluto and its largest moon, Charon, are sometimes treated together as a binary system because the barycenter of their orbits does not lie within either body. The IAU has yet to formalize a definition for binary dwarf planets, and until it passes such a ruling, they classify Charon as a moon of Pluto.


Hmpf. As a staunch plutonian, I am aghast at the paradox that Charon is still officially a moon of a body that is no longer officially a planet. What does that make Charon? A dwarf moon? Someone phone Thorin Oakenshield, Albrecht, and ‘Doc’ to get their opinion.

This is what scientists know about Pluto.

But so what? What do science fiction writers know about Pluto?

Recent studies performed by Julian the Seventh at Duke University (since classified by the parapsychology division of the NASA) show that science fiction writers often are channeling repressed memories of previous incarnations, including lives they might come to live at some point in what we, in our laughably limited three-dimensional frame of reference, call “the future”.Hence, science fiction writers, without being consciously aware of it, often are sensitive to  mental suggestions originating from elsewhere in timespace. How else do we explain the uncanny accuracy of the predictions of Jules Verne, who correctly foresaw the size and capacity, and yes foresaw details down to the very name of the first atomic submarine? How else do we explain Harlan Ellison? Whatever the explanation, the facts we know about Pluto can now be laid out in order:

First, we know there is a colony or base of the natives of Palain VII on Pluto. These are a cowardly yet highly intelligent race of beings of no fixed form, due to the fourth dimensional extension used for Dextropobopping. At least one Palainian achieved the Second Stage of Lensman, Nedreck, a telepath. The Palainians are described as oddly shapeless amoeba entities.

Second, we know that in 2109, Larry Greenberg, his brain overwhelmed by the telepathic consciousness of Kzanol the Thrint, will ignite the surface of Pluto. I assume this is really done to destroy the evidence.

Third, we know that in the year 2199, the crew of the Space Battleship Yamoto will discover and destroy the Plutonian base of the Gamelons (or, in their own language, the Gamilas) who have been bombarding earth with radioactive “planet-bombs”. The Gamelons fight a brave and ferocious defense with their “Reflex gun” (which can shoot via orbital satellites around the planet) before succumbing to a blast of the “Wave-Motion gun.” What is less well known is that the strike force sent from the Yamoto is aided in their attempt to sabotage the Reflex gun by oddly shapeless amoeba like entities described as natives of Pluto.

Fourth, I need not mention the Icehenge, that mysterious monument found at the north pole of Pluto, nor its relation to the wormhole system of Frank Poole.

Fifth, we know “Kip” Russell and Peewee are kidnapped by a race called “The Wormfaces” and brought to their advanced base on Pluto. That based was destroyed by creatures from Vega 5, one of whom “The Mother Thing” is able to communicate, or commune, with Kip and Peewee allegedly through birdsong, but perhaps through mental powers.

Can we put all these facts together to form a coherent yet nightmarishly suggestive whole? I think we can! The Wormfaces are anthropophagic, and several of their servant races on Earth, including in Mesoamerica, follow their custom of eating human flesh. As I mentioned above, we also know the Wormhole which leads through the Gate of Yog-Sothoth to ulterior spheres and worlds and cycles of reincarnation is situated near that icy world’s twin to our own Stonehenge (built by giants in England before Brutus of Troy landed there, and drove the Fomor to Ireland). Note the similarity of names between ‘Wormface’ and ‘Wormhole.’

The Palainians, the native Plutonians, the Things of Vega, and the Thrint all are said to possess shapelessness or telepathic powers, or both, including the power to occupy the bodies of more human hosts, such as — the suggestion is natural — the Gamelonians. The so called ‘Reflex gun’ is merely a childish memory of a much older and more dreadful source of cataclysm, hinted at in Inca legends of world after world destroyed by fire, or Stoic speculations of the ekpyrotic universe (speculations that have recently, and recklessly, been revived by impious cosmologists Neil Turok and Paul Steinhardt, who know not with what hidden forces they trifle!) Yes — of course I am referring to the INFINITY WEAPON!

Last yet most important of all, we know a fact that should override every other consideration of merely human science and reason: Pluto, otherwise known as Yuggoth, is the home of the dread and dreaded Mi-Go or Living Fungi of the Great Old Ones.

When I tried to visit Dr. Michael Brown of the California Institute of Technology to express my concern that the Mi-Go might be irate at having their planet deplanetized, he met me in a dimly lit room. His face was immobile as a wax mask. He was seated in a wheelchair with a coverlet hiding his arms and legs, and his eyes burned with a peculiar intensity, yet I never saw his lips move as he spoke. Behind him on the shelf was a disembodied brain in a jar, no doubt merely a science experiment, and not a living human being trapped in nightmarish disembodied helplessness. Dr. Brown was polite, if distant, and he spoke with an odd buzzing accent. He reassured me that human beings who trifled with the Fungi of Yuggoth would soon be burned in the brazen vessels of Tsathoggua during the time of the Dark Conjunction. He made several references to the blasphemous tomes scrawled by the mad Arab in the seventh century, and their correlation to the glyphs cut into the primordial and blood-drenched stones of the Aztec pyramids that steam with secret evils in the monstrous and overfed jungles of Mexico.

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents” he said to me. But I did not see what he was driving at, nor did I see the relation between the old rustic tales of children kidnapped by fairies that he mentioned, whispered Indian legends of the Dwellers in the Sky, and the peculiar way Dr. Brown asked of me my hat size, and did I know how much my brain weighed? I escaped from the dim and airless room behind the library at CalTech with a sense of foreboding and oppression.

He mentioned to me that the asteroid belt had once been a planet called ‘Nemesis’ occupied by an intelligent yet peaceful race of philosophers, who, when they had discovered that Pluto was not native to this solar system, but had come from the nameless depths beyond the Oort Cloud, decided to downgrade Pluto from a planet — like Professor James Moriarty (whose famous paper “The Dynamics of an Asteroid” has been successfully suppressed by the Royal Society, even though we can now deduce to what “asteroid” that famous Napoleon of Crime had devoted his awe-inspiring reason powers, and what he had discovered lay behind the disturbing and eccentric axial tilt of that remote, cold world), the philosophers of Nemesis declared Pluto not to be be a planet, but merely an asteroid.

We know how they paid for their insolence! The Infinity Weapon!

The superscientists of Pluto are preparing their Infinity Weapon to Destroy Dr. Michael Brown of Earth, and all earthly life