My Plan for a Better Polity

I think all Christian conservative mothers should seriously think about taking a hit for the team, and agitating for the repeal of the 19th Amendment.

True, you ladies would be given up a sacred suffrage which is granted to you by God Almighty and which no man rightfully can take away. This is the downside.

On the other hand, your sisters who are feminists and suffragettes would be shut out of the voting booth as well, and they are worshipers and votaries  of Asmodeus and Moloch, who are princes of the Ninth and Eleventh Circle of Hell, commanding six thousand legions of demons.  Meanwhile, ladies, you can bend your attention to the task of raising your boy-children to vote the US Constitution back into effect, and train them in the use and care of firearms, so that we can both outbreed the servants of darkness, outvote them in the ballot box, and then shoot them when they riot.

I realize this is a radical view. But it seems like plain common sense compared to my other view, which is to abolish the American system of government altogether, and beg on our knees for Queen Elizabeth II to take us back, say we’re sorry about that whole messy Revolution business, it was a failure.

Then, with her as our Queen, we can march on Parliament, hang them all as traitors, reinstate the House of Lords, declare war on French, overthrow their democratic government, find and reinstate the proper heir to the Bourbon dynasty, and restore the Romanoffs to the throne of the Czars. Then we burn half of Germany and restore the Kaiser.

Finally, I suggest we approach Ferdinand Zvonimir Habsburg-Lothringen, or, if he is dead, raise him to a grotesque mockery of life by means of electrical impulses. I believe that, legally speaking, he is the heir of the Holy Roman Empire, therefore Doppelkaiser (double emperor) by the grace of God elected Roman Emperor, always August, hereditary Emperor of Austria and Emperor of both Germany and Austria, also Apostolic King of Hungary, Croatia-Slavonia and Bohemia, as well as first president of the German Confederation. This makes him legally the Caesar of the Roman Empire, which should include all the lands once controlled by Byzantium as well as Rome, and since Britain was once a Roman colony, as well as Spain, also should include the various British and Spanish colonies in the New World, as well as Australia and Antarctica.

We conquer those various territories by atom bombing them from superatmospheric rocketplanes, and, if we do not have men on the ground, legally this is not considered a war, but is instead, a “Dynamic Military Man-Caused Disaster.”

Since, unfortunately, my plan requires creating at least three pretenders to the Imperial Purple (A Caesar, a Czar, and a Kaiser) we will be required, rather than consulting once more with the Electoral College, to hold a combination gladiatorial three-way free-for-all Rollerball tournament to the death on the planet Triskeleon, releasing a horde of vicious armored bears, or Panzerbeorn, into the arena. The survivor will be invested with the purple and anointed by the Pope as Imperator of Christendom.

The Prussian, Russian and Austrian leaders contesting for supreme executive authority (artist's conception)

The Czar of All the Russias Ignominiously Defeated! (Artist's Conception)

Prussian Kaiser Emerges as Imperator Mundi (Artists's Conception -- I think our artist has seen too much Star Trek)

Since step two of the plan allows that Zvonimir be raised from the dead by means of mechanical thaumaturgy, and is in fact, a Cybernecro-Caesar, I am confident he will make short work of the Prussian and Russian pretenders during the death-match. I will wager a six hundred quatloos on the newcomers.


Caesar and Imperator of the Revived Holy Roman Empire (Artists' Conception).

The magical bear, once elevated to the purple, will complete the work begun by Julian the Apostate, and restore the worship of the Old Gods of Wood and Welkin. We will all dress in togas, and dance beneath the heavily-laden grapevine, while the damsels sing amorous ditties of Pan and Priapus, ivy and belladonna entwined in the wanton tresses of their unbound hair, ply the thyrsus, and dance with unshod feet upon the luxurious meadow.

So far, I am not seeing a downside to this.

Frolicking in Pagan Arcadia! (Is there a downside to this?)

Well, that is not quite true. Step one contains some dangerous shoals to be avoided. The one drawback to restoring Elizabeth II Regina to sovereign dominion of the United States is, of course, that as a Catholic, I would be illegal for me to exist. And she would impose socialized medicine as they have in England, complete with death panels, and bad teeth. But since I am asking the conservative women to take a hit for the team, I should not exempt myself.

So, compared to that, repealing the Nineteenth Amendment is the very soul of common sense.

Just kidding! I do not actually think we should repeal the Nineteenth Amendment. (Amendments Sixteen and Seventeen should be repealed, followed by a written apology to the framers of the Constitution, however, and Progressivism declared a mental disorder.)

What I actually think would make more sense would be to change the voting rules so that every mother gets a vote according to how many children born in wedlock she has  brought to term, and every man according to how many enemies killed in battle.

This shows she has at least some strong reason to contemplate the future of the republic, and that he has the strength of character to put himself in harm’s way for it. (We would also allow for a ‘Joan of Arc’ exception, where any maiden responsible for killing foes in combat gets a proportionate vote.)

On the upside, this means that sterile feminists and peaceniks would be barred from the voting booth. On the downside, this means the bombing officer of the Enola Gay would have far more votes than any other single man; and, since NOT A SINGLE WAR has been declared since World War Two, of course none of the persons killed in the various police actions and dynamic man-caused disasters since then would count toward the tally of the soldiers ordered (lawfully but unconstitutionally) to slay them.

This means that when the last WWII vet dies, the voting booth will be the province of mothers only.

I am planning to write the idea of restricting suffrage to mothers into my next novel, a homage to Heinlein, called STARSHIP MATRON IS A HARSH MISTRESS. Then we can have Paul Vanderhoovan make it into a film of the same name.