Suppose you had written PHANTOM MENACE?
I am no Lawrance Kasdan. Let’s get that straight from the beginning.
But I am a fan of STAR WARS, so the fact that I am an obscure midlist science fiction author should not disqualify me from answering the question all fans are allowed, nay, required to answer: if it were given you, fanboy, to have written Episode I of Star Wars, what would you have done differently?
First, no Jar-Jar. I thought he was too much like Stepin’ Fetchit. The humor in the first movie was not centered in one comedy relief character: all the characters, robots and farmboys and princesses and lovable rogues alike had some good one-liners.
Second, no Midichlorians. If we must have a scene where Qui-Gon discovers the boy Anakin is bursting with secret talents, I would have Qui-Gon clutch his head and announce that he had a vision showing that this boy is all-important, whereas Yodi had a vision that the boy should be killed, and, to prevent a child murder based on nothing but pre-crime oracular evidence, Obiwan spirits the child away to the Planet of Silence, realizing that to fail to train him would be tantamount to allowing him to be spiritually corrupted by forces he cannot control.
Unwillingly at first, but then pleased at the child’s growing mastery of the Force and willingness (apparently) to do good, Obiwan unwisely takes him to the Haunted Dyson Sphere surrounding the Black Sun. It is then that Anakin has a vision, and see his destiny, and, instead of fearing it, embraces it. But such is his mastery of strange powers, that he can hide his own true evil from even the mental perception of his mentors….
But this all assumes I would go with the idea of making the story about Anakin.
Bosh on that. Do you watch FLASH GORDON prequels hoping to see a youthful Ming the Merciful, adorably cutie-pie boy prince, slowly (or suddenly) corrupting himself into a leering Space Fu Manchu? That is soap opera stuff. This should be space opera.
Nope, nope. I would have made Obiwan the main character, and made Anakin a bad egg from the get-go, having the story start with him already the trusted but treasonous apprentice of Obiwan.
There are any number of old serials where the plot concerns some group of scientists or businessmen who are being killed off one by one by some dramatic villain, never knowing nor suspecting that the villain is actually one of their number, who sits in on the meetings, makes suggestions, and knows exactly what the hero’s plans are to catch him. He always sets up a trap, or sends his henchmen to avoid the trap, and there is always a Donnybrook where every piece of furniture ends up broken. In this case, all Vader has to do to assume his other identity is take off his mask. The fact that Skywalker the Jedi is secretly the Dark Lord should be a surprise and shock for Obiwan.
To ramp up the drama, I would establish, like the Black Prince Kourai in the immortal SEVENTH VOYAGE OF SINBAD, that each and every time Vader uses the dark side of the force, it damages his body and soul, so that he has to keep replacing his failing organs with more and more machinery.
Vader and Palpatine, and the ENTIRE Sith order, which includes thousands of individuals from thousand of races about the galaxy, conspire for the overthrow of the Senate and the erection of an Empire, and use their mind-powers to force Senators to vote for foolish laws, to start feuds among the Patrician families, to encourage the ambitions of dangerous admirals, and spread discontent among the plebeians.
They kidnap and replace high ranking space princesses with clones, as well as admirals and judges and senators, duplicates so exact that only the Jedi can sense anything wrong with them. The clones of the Clone Wars were never soldiers fighting on the side of the Republic, who would never use such abhorrent technology: they were invaders as loathsome as the Skrull, an invasion of body snatchers.
The first act of the Senate-clones, upon achieving power, is to turn public opinion and the force of the law against the Jedi, the only people who can sense that they are clones.
When it is discover that the core of the galaxy is exploding, the panicked commoners demand that one supreme leader be placed in charge of the ineffectual and feuding Senate. The lonely voices of the Jedi, now falsely accused and hiding in scattered corners of the galaxy, calling for adherence to the constitution and the ancient traditions are shouted down.
The trusted and loved Jedi Anakin Skywalker warns the hidden Jedi council that some new enemy is hunting down the Jedi one by one — a creature called Darth Vader, who seems to have strange powers, almost like a Jedi himself (but that is impossible!) — and so he asks Yoda, the master of Obiwan, to give him the coordinates and addresses of all the safehouses where the Jedi are safely tucked away from the anger of the public …
Unbeknownst to Anakin, Palpatine has not only made clones of his enemies, but also of any lieutenants that may prove too powerful. Luke is not the son of Anakin in a normal sense, but is his clone. As the vision in the tree will later prove, Luke *is* Anakin.
Which means I would have the middle aged Mark Hammel play the role.
So: my opening word crawl goes something like this:
THE GALAXY IS DOOMED!
BILLIONS OF STARS OF THE GALACTIC CORE HAVE EXPLODED INTO SUPERNOVAS, OBLITERATING WORLD AFTER WORLD IN FIERY DEATH!
IN THE SECRET MONASTERIES OF THEIR ORDER, JEDI MASTERS HAVE SENSED A DARK INTELLIGENCE BEHIND THE CATASTROPHES!
PALPATINE, THE NEWLY-ELECTED ‘SUPREME CHANCELLOR OF PUBLIC SAFETY,’ GRANTED ABSOLUTE POWER DURING THE CRISES BY A FOOLISH AND FRIGHTENED SENATE, HAS COMMANDED THE JEDI NOT TO INVESTIGATE THIS STRANGE VISION!
DEFYING THE COMMAND, TWO JEDI, QUI-GON AND HIS APPRENTICE OBIWAN, FLY IN RADAR-INVISIBLE STEALTH BATTLECRUISER <em>PHANTOM MENACE </em>TOWARD THE ONE PLANET WHICH MAY HOLD THE ANSWER, THE DREAD AND DREADED <em>SHATTENREICH</em>, LONG DEAD THRONEWORLD OF THE EVIL SITH….
THEIR DESPERATE FLIGHT IS BEING OBSERVED BY HOSTILE EYES…
Okay. It is not great. But compare it with this:
TURMOIL HAS ENGULFED THE GALACTIC REPUBLIC. THE TAXATION OF TRADE ROUTES TO OUTLAYING STAR SYSTEMS IS IN DISPUTE.
HOPING TO RESOLVE THE MATTER WITH A BLOCKADE OF DEADLY BATTLESHIPS, THE GREEDY TRADE FEDERATION HAS STOPPED ALL SHIPPING TO THE SMALL PLANET OF NABOO.
WHILE THE CONGRESS OF THE REPUBLIC ENDLESSLY DEBATES THIS ALARMING CHAIN OF EVENTS, THE SUPREME CHANCELLOR HAS SECRETLY DISPATCHED TWO JEDI KNIGHTS, THE GUARDIANS OF PEACE AND JUSTICE IN THE GALAXY, TO SETTLE THE CONFLICT….
Oy. Wake me up when a real STAR WARS movie gets made, okay?
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
