- Screentime: A Meme-Obsessed super teen whose brain became connected to the internet after becoming exposed to his grandfather’s “experimental internet gas.” Now he can see augmented reality and real-time maps, and can instantly Google any fact. Does this make him effectively a genius? He sure acts like it does.
. - Snowflake and Safespace: Psychic Twins. “All twins are psychic, but we’re psychic-er.” Snowflake, a cryokinetic, can materialize snowflake-shaped shuriken projectiles for throwing. Snowflake is non-binary and goes by they/them. Safespace is kind of a big, burly sort of stereotypical jock. He can create force fields, but he can only trigger them if he is protecting somebody else. They’re hyper aware of modern culture and optics, and they see their Super Heroics as “a post-ironic meditation on using violence to combat bullying.”
. - B-Negative: A teen “living vampire” exposed to Michael Morbius’s blood as a child in a rogue, life-saving medical procedure. He still ages like a regular kid, but has all the abilities of Morbius. He’s also obsessed with all the music and attitude of a “classic” long-past decades like the ’90s, and the ’00s. “The world is a vampire…and so am I.”
He definitely drinks blood (or does he?)Kibblesmith adds: “B-Negative also is obviously a pun. It’s a blood type which is great for a vampire character. And it’s also proud ownership of having a bad attitude.”
. - Trailblazer: A regular kid who inherited from her grandfather a magic backpack of divine origin. Her “magic backpack” is actually a pocket dimension with seemingly infinite space, from which she can pull out useful or random objects—it’s not always under her control. She claims to get her power from god [sic], but “not the god you’re thinking of.”
The so-called regular kid Trailblazer is morbidly obese.
Because the name Trailblazer makes no sense for a superhero who can neither run nor has an original thought in her head, and it is not even a play on words for fire-based powers, in the paragraphs following, she will be called by a name fitting the fact that the backpack operates seemingly at random: her codename is Fat Chance.
The other names need no parody.
Above, please see the official sketch for Safespace above. This is what they actually released to the public for the public to look at.
Also, this pair was not called Blizzard and Bastion, nor Coldsnap and Citadel, Frost Queen and Fortress, nor even Ice Girl and Invincible Lad. Snowflake and Safespace is what they went for.
Please note his girlish hips, sloping shoulders, soft lips, and eyes like Bambi, and his utter lack of muscle tone. Despite what Kibblesmith claims, in no way is this the big and burly stereotypical jock.
If you cannot tell the difference between the twins based on casual inspection, this is deliberate: all secondary (and primary) sexual differences between male and female have been suppressed.
Let us compare this pair with two members of the real New Warriors, Namorita and Night Thrasher. The difference between male and female have not been suppressed.
The writer here does not tell us the powers and abilities of B Negative, but, if the mirror those of Morbius the Living Vampire, he is superstrong and agile, has super acute senses, regenerates from wounds, and can glide through the air at 30 miles per hour, but not fly.
Official sources report that, at his peak, Morbius possesses sufficient superhuman strength to lift approximately 1,500 lbs. We can safely assume B Negative is equal or less than this at his peak.
And the other team members have an unreliable divine knapsack, an internet connection, shuriken, and a pink force field (usable only on others).
So much for our so-called heroes. How would they were fare in a fight against a Marvel supervillain?
But let us not send the New Social Justice Warriors against an A-list supervillain, like Juggernaut or Terrax, who were the villains the real New Warriors encountered when they first were formed, no. Not even a B-list supervillain like Titanium Man, the Slasher, Radioactive Man, the Vulture, or the Shocker.
No, no, let us think through the most likely scenario of the New SJWarriors against the most Z-list hero on record: namely, Stilt-Man.
His power: armor of tall-ness.
His origin story: In Daredevil #8, Wilbur Day was criminal engineer who built a battlesuit with these telescoping ram segments for legs.
Official sources give the telescoping legs as able to extend up to 250-300 feet, between a twenty and thirty story building. Silicon coating resisted adhesives such as Spider-Man’s webbing.
How powerful is the armor? Daredevil once grappled a leg, and Stilt-Man smashed him into a building’s wall, which destroyed the wall and left the armor intact. Bullets and small arms fire bounce off it.
The armor also increases Wilbur Day’s strength to 10 times normal human when in suit (benchpress 1500 lbs). He was able to go toe to toe with Black Goliath, a giant-sized superhero able to press 20 to 30 tons.
Stilt-Man’s gauntlets can launch gas grenades or spray stun gas. Yes, it also has a loudspeaker.
In other version of the suit, Stilt-Man made his armor of secondary adamantium, and carried a ray blaster weapon.
We will ignore these later upgrades, and only use the basic Stilt-Man armor in our thought experiment.
So, then: Let us say Stilt-Man has decided to rob a helicopter.
He uses his superpower of built-in loudspeaker to speak over the noise of the rotor.
Let us moreover say that Screentime uses his power of the netsurfing to come across a police bulletin, twitter post, or cellphone selfie showing the crime in progress.
Perhaps the crime takes place very nearby to the Old Folk’s Home where Fat Chance, the diversity hire orphan girl, is pulling cakes and pastries out of her god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of, however) to share with the elderly and unloved senior citizens. They watch in awe as she consumes whole peach pies in one gulp.
Now, according to the official Marvel continuity, vigilante activity is illegal in the United States, and the government has passed ‘Kamala’s Law’ making teenagers doing vigilante activity even more illegal. So the teen heroes don their supersuits, and the bold yet chubby leader dons her double plus extra large sized supersuit. Not a single one of them wears masks or otherwise hides his identity. Except for Safespace, who does not wear a mask mask to hide ‘their’ identity.
So Fat Chance, the leader, waddles to the scene, puffing!
Meanwhile, Snowflake and Safespace are embracing each other with undue intimacy for a brother and sister (but it is perfectly fine, since the sister is neither male nor female, so technically she is his sibling, but not his sister). They see the Fat Signal, which Fat Chance pulls from her god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of, however).
The amazing powers of Snowflake do not allow her to create a giant slide made of ice, like Iceman, nor to fly, like Snowbird, so she and her brother just run there. Fortunately, despite his girl hips and lack of muscle tone, he is a stereotypical jock, and get there while the crime is still in progress!
Screentime uses his power of internet connection to hire an Uber. In this case, the driver is Willy Lumpkin, the mailman for the Baxter Building, doing odd jobs to pick up some extra cash in his off hours.
So the combat is joined!
Fat Chance rummages into her god-given backpack (but it is not the god you are thinking of) and pulls out a tuba, or perhaps a tortoise shell, or a taco, or a tape recorder, or a tea set, or a tricycle.
But let us say, against all odds, she pulls out something useful, like a Tommy gun, and opens fire. Her flab wiggles and flaps in an alarming yet unsightly fashion from the jarring recoil of the hammering gunfire!
At the same time, Snowflake creates a dozen whirling, razor sharp crystal shuriken, and throws then with the full strength of her non-binary arm!
Screentime gets out of the Uber car and pays the driver, Willy Lumpkin, using Paypal, a convenient service that allows one to pay for goods and services over the internet!
And, uh, he looks up information on Wikipedia about Stilt-Man or something, diagramming the battle suit:
Then B-Negative finds a convenient updraft, and launches himself skyward, closing with Stilt-Man, his bad attitude of which he has proud ownership displayed in his nonchalant yet abrasive teen demeanor!
Stilt-Man can detect the attack with his rear and downward view mirrors (not show in the diagram above) and can duck under the initial swoop by quickly retracting his legs!
The Stilt-Man armor was seen to be bulletproof in its first appearance back in Daredevil comics.
The non-binary arm of the shuriken throwing sexual deviant cannot possibly top a thirty-story building, nor strike harder than a bullet.
So both the snowflake-shaped crystal shuriken and the Tommy gun (or whatever) pulled out of the god-given backpack (not the god you are thinking of) simply bounce off.
And they do not bounce off Stilt-Man’s chest, by the way. A Tommy gun’s effective range is about 300 feet when fired level, less so when fired straight up, so the man himself is out of range. Shuriken and bullets alike are bouncing from the lower or upper segments of his stilts.
Then Stilt-Man steps on Fat Chance.
But let us say her life is saved by Safespace, who has enfolded her instinctively in a pink force field, which can protect others but not himself. So Stilt-Man steps on Safespace instead, with a hydraulic ram able to smash through a brick wall.
Now, the information says Safespace can protect others, so if he casts his pink bubble of protection around the beached-whale bulk of the team leader, he can hide in her voluminous and extensive shadow, safe from attacks issue from that quarter to that half of the horizon.
But, alas, Stilt-Man is the one villain able to step over the massive flesh blob of the leader, and approach the unprotected Safespace from above.
Our stereotypical jock with his girlish hips and Bambi eyelashes is not noted for having the super senses and reflexes of Daredevil, nor the spidersense of Spider-Man, and so he gets pounded into the pavement like a tentpeg and will spend the next fifteen issues in a full body cast, while every bone in his body except his left ulna are mending.
With Safespace out of the way, the force-field goes away, and Stilt-Man punts the fat girl and the non-binary ninja wannabe across Times Square with one sweep of his stilt-legs that can overturn a truck.
Ah, but the kid who is not Morbius joins the fray!
His superhuman strength is … wait for it … exactly the same as Stilt-Man’s in his armor. And his speed when he glides is … wait for it … exactly the same as Stilt-Man’s with his legs extended. But Stilt-Man is armored and B Negative is not.
So Stilt-Man simply clocks him from fifty yards away with his telescoping fist which is strong enough to shatter brick walls.
If that does not work, Stilt-Man shoots him with knock out gas, and the teen bloodsucker with bad attitude plummets to the ground thirty stories, also crushed into jelly and with all his bones broken. But he can regenerate from wounds, so he will eventually get better.
He will rise again, and give chase. But, as was before said, since Stilt-Man travels at the same speed on his Stilts as the glider wings of Morbius (and presumably, Morbius lite here), Stilt-Man carrying the loot from the robbed helicopter stilts away on his long legs.
Meanwhile, Screentime is watching nonbinary incest porn on the internet. Stilt-Man does not bother to step on him, because how would he even know Screentime is on the superhero team?
Meanwhile, Willy, the Uber driver, calls his friend, Ben Grimm.
The Fantastic Four show up.
Mr Fantastic can stretch up to 1500 feet, so he can overtop Stilt-Man handily, and snare him in a rubbery lasso made of his left arm or something. The Human Torch heats up Stilt-Man’s metal armor, bringing him to a standstill. The Invisible Girl can protect bystanders with her invisible force fields, and, unlike the incredible stupid Safespace, she can protect herself as well, and remain unseen while doing it, so she cannot be stepped on. Indeed, she need only project an unseen force-bubble underfoot at a slant, and trip him. Or Ben Grimm grabs the ‘copter robber by the legs and throws him into the East River.
NOTE: A Mr. Glasgow in the comments adds an even more ironic and penetrating ending to the scenario than mine, so I here add it with my compliments.
Better than the Fantastic Four arriving to save the Social Justice Gender Warriors, let us assume it is the real New Warriors:
The amusing thing is that this would be a three-minute battle for the original New Warriors.
Speedball would zip around distracting Stilt-Man by being an incredibly annoying, fast-moving, hard to hit, and kinetically invulnerable (just in case he /was/ hit) target for long enough for Marvel Boy to finish evacuating the helicopter crew and Night Thrasher to get himself in position on a convenient rooftop.
Night Thrasher would then use his knock-off Batman training quickly to analyze Stilt-Man’s weaknesses, in this case the one where he’s dependent on his eyesight and mirrors to know where he is in relation to things around him and that if you take away his sight lines then Stilt-Man can barely maneuver.
So some fast work with a stealthy ninja approach and a grapple line and then spray paint leaves Stilt-Man trying to see through the world’s worst case of dirty windshield, meaning he’s wide open to Namorita and Nova coming in from the rear with their ten-ton strength and near-supersonic flight speeds to hit Stilt-Man in the backs of both legs low down with flying tackles, clotheslining Stilt-Man’s means of support right out from under him and leaving him flat on his back and helpless as a turtle in the middle of the street (which was of course cleared of civilians first, because the New Warriors could control which direction Stilt-Man was facing by where their distraction approached from and so could predict where he’d fall), at which point it’s a simple job for one of their two super-strong people to just tear open the cockpit and bodily haul Stilt-Man out of his armor.
That’s, let’s call it the first six pages. The other sixteen pages of the issue are spent exploring what was the mysterious cargo in the helicopter that Stilt-Man was hired to rob and which shadowy mastermind had hired him.
Excelsior!
At this point, the Mayor of New York alters the unjust and unfair Kamala’s law to allow any and every teenager in the city to engage in vigilante activity, except these five losers.
Now, if that is how the New SJWarriors would stand up to Stilt-Man, for Stan’s sake, how well are they going to do against a B-list or A-list villain?
What can we conclude from our wargame scenario?
This thing may or may not be a deliberate self parody, but it is deliberate propaganda.
The point is not to make sales, which Marvel neither wants nor needs. The point is to spread Progressive social ideas into libraries and Scholastic magazine and others who buy this material sight unseen, and expose it to children.
