Mark Shea Explains it All

In re my last post, the always-wise Mark Shea steps forward in the spirit of Catholic brotherhood to answer my questions.

These kinds of How-do-I-become-a-successful-Opus-Dei-assassin questions are what mystagogia is for.

In answer to your questions: Your birth name has been erased from all records, both written and electronic. You are now always and only Justin Martyr to us, the perfect Philospher Spy. You will do as we bid, go where we command and think only what we allow. Your identity has been erased and all who knew of your existence have been liquidated. You report directly to the Vatican. Your password is “Lancer”.

Next: The command to turn the other cheek is, of course, a Jesuitical interpolation designed to keep your victim’s blood from spurting in your eyes as you carry out the great work of purifying the world of the wicked who stand in the way of Total Vatican Power. As you can see from the headlines, progress toward that goal is proceeding unhindered the Catholic Church continues its unchecked march to power and prestige in all the wealthiest countries of the world. The iron grip of DerPanzerPope in Europe is almost total now and the tentacles of our conspiracies now enmesh most of the branches of government. From the imminent repeal of abortion law to the unquestioning obedience paid by our civil authorities to Catholic teaching to the slavish and puritanical fealty paid to the Magisterium by Hollywood, the music industry, and other manufacturers of culture, our total conquest of the West is nearly achieved! Soon victory will be ours!

By the way, since the IRS is actually run by the Many-Tentacled Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith Special Ops Unit, you don’t have to worry about tax codes. Just place your earnings in a pentagram drawn in the dust on your floor, drip a little of your own blood over it and recite a brief spell in Latin and you’ll be fine. Standard Catholic practice.

Last question: Your favorite authors were people living under the regime of false consciousness who would not abandon the notions that tedious, flawed, filthy human beings were more important than precious, clean, clear, tidy diagrams. A lot of them even smoked, which tells you all you need to know about them.

When do I get access to the Vatican library of Porn? I want to see the risque centerfolds painted by Michaelangelo of Lucretia Borgia. I hear she was a real looker.

Now all I need is my secret decoder ring, my assassin’s strangle-wire hidden in my rosary, a Guy Fawkes mask, a pair of sanctified rocket-boots, and a shotgun whose stock contains a relic of St. Barbara, an armored Popemobile, and I am all ready to fight supercrime and heresy wherever it appears! Deus Vult!

I just hope the omnidroid created by Richard Dawkins in his secret volcano-base on Skull Island does not find me before I can swallow the Secret Power Bread that is the source of my strength! I carry a pellet of that bread in a secret compartment in my crucifix-shaped switchblade-throwing-star.

I just hope they don’t ask me to pray, repent and confess my sins, live purely, or tithe to charity or anything. I would hate to join a demanding religion. Whew. Glad I dodged that bullet!

When do I get to meet the monk from Q division who makes our weapons?