From the Pen of Scott Ott

McCain to Unveil Radical Economic Plan at Debate

by Scott Ott for ScrappleFace 

(2008-10-14) — Sen. John McCain, sagging in the polls due to recent mixed messages that failed to connect with undecided journalists, will allegedly use his final presidential debate with rival Barack Obama to unveil a new, and radical economic plan.

Outlines of the proposal leaked to the news media paint a picture of an imaginary economy driven by the so-called ‘profit motive’ and tempered by a ‘risk-reward’ scheme that “automatically benefits the bold-yet-prudent, and punishes the foolish and wasteful,” according to a draft document.

Immediately branded by Congressional Democrats and Republicans alike as “impractical and frankly just wacky,” the McCain plan calls for a near-total government withdrawal from the private business sector, “because elected officials and their appointed bureaucrats operate outside of the arena of risk-reward, therefore their intervention can serve only to foul the engine of prosperity — discouraging investment by the wise, while cushioning falls for fools.”

Mr. McCain reportedly theorizes that his concept would not only offer the best prospect of long-term growth and innovation, but also would provide the most effective motive for altruism because “the merchant or laborer who does good for others, does well for himself.”

“It’s my hunch,” Sen. McCain will reportedly say, “that if we would actually try this economic plan, not only would it offer more freedom for the individual, but Congress could reduce income and corporate tax rates and yet the Treasury would still realize higher, and steadily-growing, revenues.”

“As I envision it,” the Arizona Republican will say, “the whole system, anchored in a realistic understanding of human nature, would harness each person’s self-interest to generate results that tend to the common good, producing what some would call unintended benevolence, and conferring what would appear to be accidental dignity, to even the least educated among us who applies himself to industrious work.”

Sen. McCain’s plan reserves to government almost nothing but the role of “making laws that forbid dishonest or oppressive behavior, and then enforcing those laws without prejudice.”

Sen. Barack Obama, whose economic plan offers tax breaks to non-taxpayers and sharply higher taxes to those who generate profits, issued a terse response to the purported McCain proposal: “LOL”