Update on Pluto Day
One of my thousands of loyal henchwomen who walk unnoticed among the muggles and mundanes of the ordinary world sends in this picture in honor of Pluto Day.
In the fine print at the bottom, the billboard says “Paid for by the Friends of Pluto” — a more ominous seven words I dare not imagine. This means someone actually paid good money and took time off from work to put up this sign. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
When Professor Hans Zarkov of the Mitteleuropean Institute of Homeopathic Science determined that the motions of Pluto, otherwise known as “Planet X” or, to use the name Tombough dared not use, “Planet Mongo” were intelligently directed, the members of the science academy laughed at him, laughed I say! And then when he kidnapped a polo player and an attractive brunette, later blonde, into a rocketship of his own devising, and launched his frail home-made rocket toward the outer reaches of the interplanetary darkness, the world called him mad! But was he mad? WAS HE? Well, yes, actually, he was bipolar with bouts of schizophrenia, and he frequently hallucinated — but that does not mean he was wrong about Pluto!
Only a sudden and dramatic turn away from Sparkly Vampires in the romance section of the bookstore and a return to half-clad Space Princesses can save us!
Not this:
But this!
I ask you again: can a Sparkly Vampire who is afraid to come out into the sunlight save us from a marauding planet, torn by the power of alien super science from its orbit and hurtled across countless space-miles as an Earth-shattering weapon of Apocalypse? Well, can he?
Of course not! He cannot even go into outer space, because as soon as his ship leaves the umbra shadow of the Earth, it is always noon to him, and he would burn to nothingness (unless he were a sparkly vampire, in which case, he would merely go sparkly).
There is no hope for Earth in sparklivampiredom, fangirls! Repent of your adoration of his tormented but soulful eyes and the lusting hunger he can neither control nor cease from struggling to master! What is he, but a rebel who plays by his own rule? Why should any lonely schoolgirl be attracted to such a creature, I ask you?
But a beautiful but evil half-naked Space Princess, who combines the refined cruelty of her ancient yet nonhuman civilization with the untamed barbarian passions of her own willful nature — all she has to do is ask her father the evil emperor to blow up the attacking planet with the Death Star or something, or launch the Sardaukar terror-troops. Pfui. Piece of cake for her. And she has robots to do her evil bidding.
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And here is the website for the official save Pluto as a Planet society. May Azathoth increase their spans!
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
