The Catwoman Equation!
For those of you paying attention to the discussion in recent days in this space, all I can ask is, why are you doing something more useful?
Meanwhile, we are discussing SCIENCE! Yes, that triumphant march of knowledge based on observation and experimentation, making only repeatable and testable theories about the physical properties of physical matter, without allowing absurd flights of fancy or mere guesswork based on wishful thinking to intrude.
Which brings me once again to the so-called Drake Equation. Just to jar your memory:
R = the average rate of star formation per year in our galaxy
f-p = the fraction of those stars that have planets
n-e = the average number of planets that can potentially support life per star that has planets
f-ℓ = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop life at some point
f-i = the fraction of the above that actually go on to develop intelligent life
f-c = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space
L = the length of time for which such civilizations release detectable signals into space.
As I have said ad nauseam, in order to be an equation, the factors on one hand have to be equal to something on the other hand. This is not an equation; it is a laundry list. Anyone can make a laundry list of any kind to suit himself.
In fact, let me add additional factors:
f-babe = the fraction of the civilizations mentioned above who produce life forms indistinguishable from mammalian homo sapiens, some or all of whose women posses physical good looks by 1950-70’s Eurocentric terrestrial standards of beauty, being nubile, fertile, buxom, svelte and comely.
f-badbabe=the fraction of goodlooking spacewomen who commit acts in abrogation of the local laws of their civilization, but with sufficient panache and daring as to be uncatchable by routine police procedures, such that they are not merely villainesses, but supervillainesses, requiring unusually heroic vigilantes to bring them to justice.
F-badbabemeow=the faction of goodlooking spacewomen supervillainesses who are are cat-themed, either donning or evolving cat-ears, feline tails, or just wearing black leotards or Lycra .
There you have it!
With just as much realism and scientific research as the Drake Equation, we have produced the Catwoman Equation, from which, by plugging in random values for factors none of which are known or can be accurately guessed in our current state of science, we can produce an utterly meaningless number which we can compare to nothing for confirmation.
This explains how many Catwomen there may be on the Moon, or elsewhere in the galaxy.
Okay, so a reader asked me to post a pict of Julie Newmar, and I had to make it sound like I had a reason. I don’t.
Nor did I go through the complex calculations needed to determine the probability of any space-cat-women would evolve on a world where their space-guns are shaped like kitty-cats, but the same sound principles of scientific statistics apply. (Note smaller and pinker cat-themed henchgirl on the right, who may also be a pop star.)
The Catwomen of space are amused at the pathetic antics of poor earthlings! The reason why we have UFO sightings but no first contact is that these sadistic temptresses are playing a game of cat-and-mouse with us!
A more recent member of the Spacecatwoman Species, also armed with space-gun:
And under the lower gravity of outer space, catwomen can writhe around lithely in their skintight atmosphere suits:
And what discussion of Space-Cat life would be complete without including a picture of the Cat-Women of the Moon, a movie about which the less said, the better?
I refuse to admit having ever watched it, not even the scene where the astronauts throw a cigarette from the Dark Side of the Moon to the Lit Up Side to see its tobacco-y goodness burst into flame, despite the vacuum:
Naturally, the lunar Cat-Women yearn for the love of manly Earthmen. You see, John Carter of Mars and Flash Gordon of Mongo has given us earthhunks a really, really good reputation among the inner system, and so all the spacebabes, evil or not, are expecting star polo players or clean-limbed fighting men of Virginia.
The awe-inspiring Moon City of the Cat-Women!
Note lack of atmospheric domes. For that matter, note the clouds over the city. The pseudo Greek ish architecture is supposed to tell the audience that this is a “Lost Race” adventure rather than a science fiction adventure. Actually, this turkey of a movie is so bad that it is none of the three, neither lost race, nor science fiction, nor adventure. Only my deep admiration for sciffy schlock requires me to add mention of it here, in this scientific discussion of the Catwoman Equation
AND FOR NEXT TIME:
We use the Drake Equation to calculate how many planets in the galaxy are inhabited by sexy female space-devils:
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
