The Seven Sacraments of the Religious Left
From the Pen of Matthew Bowman
The Seven Sacraments of the Religious Left
- Taxes: The First Sacrament. (Envy.)
Instituted a hundred years ago, this sacrament teaches that the rich are evil. The rich may absolve themselves of this sin by devoting their lives (at least publicly) to the Church of Leftism.
- Government Spending: The Second Sacrament. (Greed.)
Instituted during the Great Depression, this sacrament teaches that the proper role of government is to spend money. On what, it doesn’t matter; just keep spending or else the economy collapses. - Free Love: The Third Sacrament. (Lust.)
Instituted during the 1960s, this sacrament teaches that the greatest use of the human body is physical pleasure. Anything that allows that to continue, including free birth control, abortion on demand, the denigration of abstinence and marriage, and the promotion of non-hetero, non-binary ideas of sexuality, is therefore holy and just. - Collectivism: The Fourth Sacrament. (Gluttony.)
Instituted during the 1970s, this sacrament teaches that the proper role of society is to support government. All areas of society must therefore be regulated by bureaucracy, in order that no citizen fall into sin — and so that when they inevitably do, they can be put on trial for their transgressions against the Church. All citizens may preemptively absolve themselves, however, by removing any obstacle to the actions of the Holy Monks of Bureaucracy, especially by disarming themselves; and to loudly proclaim their virtuous beliefs at all times so as to encourage and inspire others. - Self-Loathing: The Fifth Sacrament. (Pride.)
Instituted during the 1980s, this sacrament teaches that the human race is a disease, fit only for destroying the world it lives in. All things that have brought up the human species from barbarism must be denigrated, save for those which will aid their betters in leading their flocks through the form of bread and circuses. All non-human creatures are to be venerated, as they have not the human species’ fallen nature. - Government Assistance: The Sixth Sacrament. (Sloth.)
Instituted during the 1990s, this sacrament teaches that the human species is so destructive even to its own that it is now impossible to succeed without government assistance. While taught as a faithful belief in prior eras, it is now elevated to doctrine with the advent of the Church’s School Lunch Program and other forms of benevolent assistance that, of course, necessitate the Holy Monks of Bureaucracy to regulate everyday life to ensure a fair and balanced society. - Violence: The Seventh Sacrament. (Wrath.)
Instituted during the 2010s, this sacrament teaches that while violence never solves anything, the Church’s faithful are called to crusades against those who resist the Church’s benevolence. All true citizens are granted automatic absolution for any violence they are forced to commit when they witness unholy behavior.
About John C Wright
John C. Wright is a practicing philosopher, a retired attorney, newspaperman, and newspaper editor, and a published author of science fiction. Once a Houyhnhnm, he was expelled from the august ranks of purely rational beings when he fell in love; but retains an honorary title.
October 16, 2018 @ 6:09 pm
