The Newer, Greener Deal

From the Brain of Matt Walsh. All the words below are his. 

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has finally released her much-hyped “Green New Deal” proposal. The plan — if you can call it that — is to totally upend and reshape our economy while eliminating all carbon emissions. And she does mean all carbon emissions.

I cannot offer an in-depth analysis of this proposal. The proposal itself is so vague in parts, delusional in other parts, and unbelievably childish through every part, that serious engagement with its ideas is impossible. It reads like something a four-year-old in Soviet Russia may have dreamt up.

Here are five highlights:

  1. “Upgrade or replace every building in US for state-of-the-art energy efficiency.”

Yes, every building. There are over 5 million commercial buildings in the U.S. Add that to the approximately 127 million households, which is to say nothing of all the schools and churches and hospitals, and you have a project that would cost trillions of dollars and take decades, at a minimum, to complete. And we’re only getting started.

  1. “Totally overhaul transportation by
           a. massively expanding electric vehicle manufacturing,
           b. build charging stations everywhere
           c. build out high-speed rail at a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary,
           d. create affordable public transit available to all, with goal to replace every combustion-engine vehicle.”

If we are building enough high-speed rail to make air travel “unnecessary,” we would of course need this mythical railway system primarily built across the ocean. There is about five thousand miles separating California from Japan. This railroad would need to span across that entire stretch of the Pacific, which is 13,000 feet deep on average.

  1. “A job with a family-sustaining wage, family and medical leave, vacations, and retirement security for every American.”

Cortez stipulates “economic security” will be provided to all those “unable or unwilling to work.” So, jobs will be plucked off the magical job tree and handed out to anyone who wants one. If you don’t want one, you’ll be sent to the magical economic security tree where a limitless supply of money awaits. Something tells me the economic security tree will be much more popular than the job tree.

  1. Plant lots of trees.

That is an actual sentence in the document. It is at least practical, unlike the other items listed. But it is also so vague as to be useless.

  1. Abolish cows.

Actually “farting cows,” specifically. Yes, the phrase “farting cows” appears, verbatim, in this allegedly serious proposal written by a United States congresswoman. Here is the full context: “We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.”

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It’s really easy to make fun of this plan, and to be a Debbie Downer and a naysayer; it really easy to do because it is such an enormously stupid idea.

But then I was also thinking, but listen, if we are going to do this thing, let’s go all the way. You could actually argue that the Green New Deal, the main problem with it, is that it is much too modest.

If we’re gunna do it, let’s do this thing —that’s what I am saying.

Also, think about the fact that, if they have the ability to do this, they must have access to, not only trillions of dollars, but also magical genies and wizards, because most of this stuff is impossible without magical superpowers.  And so if they have access (which I assume Alexandria Ocasia Cortez must) if she has access to a team of highly trained genies, then I’ve got some other ideas

This is my idea for a New Green New Deal. Or the Green New New Deal, or whatever you want to call it. I have twenty things I would like to add to the deal.

1. A free ice cream machine for every American. This would have to be Vegan ice cream, because Cortez is killing all the milk cows.

2. Every sidewalk in America converted to a moving walkway.

3. Every staircase converted to an escalator.

4. Every escalator converted to an elevator.

5. I am thinking of a big bridge connecting North Carolina to Morocco, with refreshment stands and stuff along the way; you would also need cabins or something so people can stop and sleep, because they might get tired; it’s kind of a long walk.

6. A free blimp for every American.

7. A free dog for every person.

8. A free footbath for every dog.

9. Essential oils for every footbath; because you don’t want to take a footbath if you are not going to be exfoliating your skin at the same time.

10. This, to me, seems really obvious. Cortez is not thinking big enough. She is saying let’s have free health care for everyone. I’ve got a better idea: Let’s just abolish disease. How about we say “no more diseases.”

And then you don’t need health care. Think about it. This is obvious stuff.

11. Universal happiness — I think this is something we should include in the plan.

12. A constantly refreshed selection of cereal in every pantry.

13. We need magical lions that can read us stories and grant wishes.

14. Immortality.

15. Every person should have this computer type thing like from THE MAXTRIX where you can plug in and learn how to do karate in five minutes—that would be pretty sweet.

16. Bananas that never rot.

17. Let’s abolish loneliness. No one is allowed to be lonely any more.

18. Free pony rides — but consensual pony rides, of course.

19. Every person should have a robot like thing who lifts you out of bed in the morning and brushes your teeth in the morning, and puts your pants on you.

Finally, and this is the highlight of my plan:

20. Student loan debt should be converted into tacos. I’ll tell you how this would work. Every dollar of student loan debt that you have equals one taco. So, if you have thirty thousand dollars of debt, well, then you, get thirty thousand tacos.

You see? Pretty simple. How hasn’t anyone thought of this yet? We’ve got all this debt. If we change it into tacos, then the debt is gone — and now you have tacos.

That’s my plan. I am going to write his up in an official proposal and send it to Alexandria Cortez’s office, and hopefully she’ll add that to her plan.

Stay tuned for that.