SJWarriors — Could They be Salvaged?

Across cyberspace, there has been considerable discussion, all of it filled with mockery and contempt, for the disgusting travesty called the New Warriors, which by rights should be called Fat Chance and her Amazing Friends.

As an aid to Mr. Kibblesmith, the  writer, I have already provided the outline of how the first issue should go, when the Genderqueer Woke-Warriors face off against the Z-List supervil, Stilt-Man, a long-legged luminary of larceny!  The towering tall-man of terror!

I would say Mr. Kibblesmith needs additional aid.

Can the concepts be salvaged?

Well, since they are basically ripoffs of older and better heroes and heroines, I would say so. If you gave a pro writer the project, I wager he could write the holy flaming bejesus out of it.

There is nothing wrong with any of these ideas if they were being used by sane people to tell an interesting and honest story, not preach progressive propaganda.

An honest story is one that reflects something about the deep truths in life that cannot otherwise be put into words, something about the human condition, even if it is only something as simple as saying true heroes sacrifice themselves for others.

A politically correct story can never be truthful, because it is not based on any deep truth, or even a shallow truth. It is based on politically correctness, that is, factual incorrectness, that is, lies.

But the team concept — that they are young people — has been done to death a million times before. The recipe needs a new ingredient to make it better. John C Wright’s unpatented rule for improving a story?

When in doubt, just add ninjas!

All the males characters will now been supertrained shinobi warriors.

Anything else? When in doubt, add snow! Instead of just one joke character named Snowflake, let most of them have ice powers or a winter theme, or something.

Finally, replace the joke characters with their self-parody names with characters with some sort of background, tragic past, dark struggles, or noble motive.

The first joke character is the morbidly obese girl with a god-given napsack (but not the god you are thinking of!) that produces any given object, sometimes at random.

Instead, she should at least be as pretty as Firestar or Namorita, whom she is replacing and have an hourglass figure, and a voluptuous cleavage.

Second, if her sole superpower is a magic bag, then let it be Santa’s magic sack. From it she can pull any worldly treasure or tool, but only when given to another out of love. No magic items, no bombs or weapons.

Instead of Trailblazer, her codename is CHRISTMAS EVE.

If you don’t like that name, call her CORNUCOPIA.

Origin story: Evelyn Twinklestar is the daughter the forbidden wedlock of human and elf. Because of her half-elf blood, she can see things no one else can see, and enter the hidden world no human being can enter. But she can be at home in neither place.

She was raised in the lap of luxury, surrounded by endless wealth, until one day, when her father died, her weeping mother was hauled back to elfland on a chariot pulled by swans, and could not bring her.

Orphaned thereafter, cheated of her patrimony by her evil uncle Wilson Fisk, she hated each foster family that attempted to raise her, as being poor, low class, and not good enough for her.

She ran away from home, and was immediately robbed of everything. She wore rags and lived on scraps.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve, poor and starving, as she was shivering to death in the snow in the alley next to the finest New York hotel, waiting for food scraps from the kitchen to be thrown into the dumpster so she could eat her Christmas meal, she came across the flying sleigh of Saint Nicholas, delivering presents!

She stole his sack of goodies, but as she was sneaking away, she saw Santa himself, being attacked by evil imps, led by the Baron Blood, the Nazi Vampire.

Thinking quickly, she leaped onto a flying reindeer, charged into the fray, distracting the imps with fireworks and confetti taken from the sack, and driving the Vampire back with a crucifix, strand of garlic, and holy water found in the sack.

Santa was saved and asked her to name her reward. She asked for the sack and all its infinite treasures. And a flying reindeer to ride.

He granted her wish, but, because she had stolen the sack, he laid on her the penalty that she take a vow of poverty, and live without any possessions of her own, using the treasure sack only for the benefit of others.  The sack can produce nothing that is magical or otherworldly, and no weapons.

Spies for her uncle, Wilson Fisk, saw her the next day, on Christmas, giving away gold coins by the handful and hot turkey dinners and spiced cider to poor people, not to mention jewelry and a new sportscar.

So they determined to steal the treasure sack — even though it will not open its mouth to greedy hands, and when crooks open it, they find only sticks and coal inside. So they also need her. But who can hold an elf maiden with twinkling toes when she means not to he seen?

So began her life as a wandering fugitive, hunted everywhere by crimelords eager for the infinite wealth she can bestow. Baron Blood, the Nazi Vampire, also wants the sack, because its magic is older than the world, and he seeks to use it for his own nefarious ends.

The list of Naughty and Nice is also in the treasure sack, and Eve consults it to discover where and when crimes are going to occur, but also selfless acts of charity and love.

Her selfish heart grew two sizes that day, and she resolved to smash the criminal empire of her uncle, showing the world how the power of selfless giving can overcome the greed of the the criminal underworld, and the evil of the underworld underworld!

The next joke character is the boy exposed to experimental internet gas and now he has Google Goggles.

Instead of a cellphone-face, let us make him a full blown-computer telepath, with the ability to read and reprogram the information systems of any computers, robots, or any complex information systems he touches with his deadly computer blade.

Instead of Screentime, his codename is IRON SHADOW.

His uniform should look something like this:

Or this:

Origin story:

Young Ivan Zado was a cyborg ninja and hacker trained as a spy and assassin by Yuri Topolov, the spymaster for Dr Doom and head of sinister Latverian secret service.

When Dr. Doom captured X-51 the Machine Man, a living robot, in his secret laboratory fortress in Antarctica, and vowed to learn the secret of how a robot can have free will, Doom used a combination of captured Celestial technology and black magic to sent one of his expendable agents into the mind of X-51, and reach the core of his machine soul!

The person selected was young teen cyber-spy — Ivan Zado!

However, when Zado entered the soul of Machine Man and approached X-51’s memory of meeting the mysterious Monolith from 2001 A Space Odyssey, the Monolith came awake and … reacted ….

The antarctic laboratory-fortress was utterly destroyed in the disaster that followed.

No one survived except Zado, who was telepathically linked to all computers in the world, and instantly driven insane. This wounded him in brain and soul, and rendered all human emotions dim and distant to him. The machine parts of his cyborg brain threatened to overwhelm him, removing his free will forever.

The immense psychic event was not unnoticed by those sensitive to such things, however!

Nursed back to health sanity by the mysterious Tibetan magicians of Kamar-Taj, Zado realizes now that his only hope to save his soul is to commit his life to undoing the evils he once served.

Only by acts of selfless altruism as a crime fighter and crusader for justice, can be free himself from becoming a soulless machine forever, and regain his lost humanity.

One day at a time, one step at a time, he has to learn the sorrow and glory of the emotions in the heart.

Like many teens, he really has to learn how to be a man.

The third and fourth joke characters are the wondertwins. Instead of the self-parody names of Snowflake and Safespace, their code names will be SNOW MAIDEN and FROSTBLADE.

Obviously, the male is given the attack power, and the female the defensive.

Origin Story: Yuki and Ken Satomi were psychic twins experimented upon by the evil Mandarin, at the behest of the Chinese government, attempting to unlock the secret of their mutant powers. Ironically, they were rescued by Magneto and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

She has the mutant ability to create a force zone of absolute zero temperature, allowing no motion in or out, and so she can erect walls and domes of this zero-force to protect her friends.

This zero-force is intensely cold, and produce mist and snow, and makes metal brittle.

He can create weapons, blades, axes and shuriken out of similar zero-fields and direct them with his mind.

As mutants, they are hunted and hated by the world, but when the twins discover that their father was Sebastian Shaw  — who was murdered by Magneto — they flee the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, and seek a new life.

It is “Christmas” Eve who convinces them that the only way to live happily with humans is to do good works, so that those with eyes to see will understand how wrong it is to hate the innocent.

Personality wise, Yuki is exquisitely feminine, female, delicate, and polite, always attentive to the feelings of others, eager to create harmony and peace among all, and to be supportive and nurturing.

Her brother, on the other hand, is ruled by a strict honor code, refuses to overlook insults or back down from a fight, which will surely get him killed! He will never break his word, even to the most loathsome villain, and fears only dishonor, not death. He is strong and protective toward his sister, and toward all woman and children.

The final joke character is a goth teen with a mental illness shaved-half head haircut of his bright pink hair.

There is nothing wrong with this character if you drew him correctly.

Instead of the self parody name of B-Negative, he is codenamed SAMURAI VAMPIRE.

If you don’t like that name, call him BARONET BLOOD.

Origin Story: Baronet Blood is young Drake Crichton, also called Kyuu Ketsuki. He is the grandson of Nazi war criminal Baron Blood, and inherited the family curse.

His early years have been blotted from his memory. He was raised by the Snow Demon vampires of Japan, the Yuki Ooni, and only his strict adherence to the philosophy of Taoist quietism allows him to subdue the raging lust in him for human blood.

He has the ability to transform into a snowstorm of razor sharp ice particles, in which form he can fly.

Hearing of others who have been afflicted with vampirism and found a cure, he came to New York to seek those who were known to have recovered from vampirism in days past.

Why he can walk about in the sunlight, and it not effected by crosses or holy water, is a mystery, hidden in his strange origins.

Now he stalks the world, seeking a cure, and seeking his origin, saving human lives he would rather destroy, and cursing the heaven that has cursed him.

But what is the strange connection between him, and the mutant twins, the cyborg, and the slim and sexy elf-girl? Why do four of them know the rare Dragon of Darkness technique of shinobi swordplay? And why can all of them withstand sub zero weather without discomfort?

Then, one night, the menacing and mysterious skateboard superhero Night Thrasher finds the five teenagers, and reveals to them the first part of their fate …

This may not be the best super team in the super literature. It took me all of five minutes to make up. (Longer,but only if you count the time it took me to look up the real names of Baron Blood and the Gargoyle.)

But it will salvage your career, Mr. Kibblesmith, or at least give you a start on how to do so.

Do you need any further advice or help, Mr. Kibblesmith?

Glad to give it: the next thing to do is fire your artist and get someone who knows how to draw a Jack Kirby masculine figure and a J Scott Campbell feminine one.

Drop all the genderqueer woke nonsense. It is boring and disgusting. It is not the job of comic books to glamorize sexual deviance to the kiddies.

Your job erenow was propaganda, but it is an evil job. It is a dishonest line of work. You should change careers to story telling.

You may find it more rewarding.